A lot went on this weekend. Beginning with Friday I was given a welcome reminder of something that I had not heard in a long time. My spirits were lifted. Saturday brought my first session with a personal trainer. I was surprised at myself and am now eager to get back in the gym and finish what I’ve started. To be honest, Saturday night didn’t go the way I wanted it to, but that’s ok. It’s only one night out of countless others. Sunday, Mother’s Day rolls around and despite my best efforts I was late getting to lunch. It was one that I prepared and everyone had to wait on me. I was late because I went for a run. It wasn’t my best run, but I went. The lunch was amazing and consisted of Rib Roast with horseradish and bacon crust, roasted red potatoes, stir fry green beans, and roasted corn on the cob. Sunday afternoon was spent on the couch. Sunday evening I got an unexpected and again, welcome request to help out. Me, being me, I swooped into action and accomplished what needed to be done. I then offered to a helping hand at other things and happiness was had all around. However, against my better judgment, I crossed a line. It was ok because on the other side was what needed to be there and though I left disappointed in myself, all was forgiven. Back at home, I feel a bit relieved but at the same time, my hands bring back thoughts of tonight.
I said what I needed to say and the words reached their intended recipient. No one got hurt but myself, but that was more of a self inflicted wound. One that I will recover from tomorrow.
I do also want to say that I am glad to be a friend of Jessica Canning. She inspires and I am grateful to have her in my life. I am proud of her and I admire the strength she possesses. Against everything, she has done what she needed to do, for her and for Chase, not for anyone else. Thank you Jess for letting me be a part of your life.
That was the last thought that went through my head before the start of the race. I closed my eyes, and just listed to all the people around and thought “I am a runner.” Then the gun went off and away we went.
I had spent the past few weeks getting ready for that moment and it had finally come. It was not an easy road to get there, but it was one that I am thankful for. If it had been easy to get to this place in my life then I would’ve learned nothing. Running (or briskly jogging in this case) is something you have to keep working at. There were times when I would hurt my knee and take like 2 weeks off. In cases like that it would take 3 weeks to get back to where I was. You have to be running every day in order to run every day.
So the day had come, I was at the point where I could do no more to prepare. All the stretching had been done, all the carbs had been loaded. Water and gels were in hand. I had done it all. I really can’t think of anything that I had prepared for more in my life (at least not by my self). Was I ready to run 13.1 miles?! The longest I had ever run before this moment was 8 miles. 8 miles put the hurting on me for a few days, but this was 5.1 more miles. In my mind, I felt like I could run a million, so what more did I need. I was ready.
The gun went off and away we went. The first mile or so it was pretty tightly packed. There were people still trying to find their pace and the chill in the air was still there. I got my pace down; made sure the iPod was tracking and just ran. I made sure that I wasn’t pushing hard, at least not yet. Around mile 3 I had to pee. I knew there were 3 stops along the way but didn’t want to lose time. Should I just go in the woods? Should I try and hold it? No way could I hold it. All I could think about was peeing and it was affecting my time and my pace. So about mile 5 was the first stop. A lowly porta potty with a line of about 4 women. No worries. I pulled off and waited and stretched while I was there. My main disappointment was that the group of people that I was running with was going to pass me and I would fall back. It was ok, I wasn’t running for first. So I peed and got back out there.
The next few miles were ok. Around mile 6 the trail went from pavement to dirt and/or gravel. We were now running through the woods, uphill. There were people coming in the opposite direction, so that had to mean at some point we’d be coming back down. Sure enough, at the top of this hill about .5 miles in was the turn around point. Now running back down the trail, but this time it took a different path and it was more dirt and rocks and roots. I’ve only had one other experience with running “off road” and it was a bit hard on the joints. Never the less, I pushed through. We made it around to a lake where there was a VERY steep decline. Something Kit told me ages ago resonated in my brain, “let the hill and gravity do all the work.” So did and made it down the hill with out having to use much energy. By this time my legs and feet were starting to hurt a bit. My lungs and heart were in excellent condition but the joints were not. Also, my brain was totally in it. No mental hang-ups or anything. I had gone over half way and was only slightly hurting.
Mile 8 was when things started to get rough. I remember the moment though. I saw the sign that said mile 8 and when I passed it the first thought in my head was “ever step from this point on is the furthest I’ve ever gone, don’t stop now.” So I kept on running. Mile 9 was ok, but the scenery got boring. We were now on a back trail that was about 2.5 miles long and there was nothing on either side. It was overcast; there was about 100 yards of grass then trees. Nothing in front of you and I sure as hell wasn’t looking behind me. So I put my head down, and just kept telling my feet to keep it up. By this time it was well established that I was either going to pass or be passed by a few people. We traded off who was in front several times along the way. They (a guy in his 40’s and two women) would jog up and then start walking, I would jog past them at my steady pace, and they would then pick up the pace and pass me. This went on for several miles. I kept thinking, am I the tortoise or hare in this situation. Either way it made for something somewhat entertaining along the way.
At roughly 200 yards before the 11 mile marker I was like I have got to walk for just a bit. So I walked about 200 yards and then thought to myself “I didn’t come all this way and put myself through this much pain to walk a half marathon.” So I started running again. Lesson learned there. Don’t stop once you are going. That’s the hard part. But I pushed through it and didn’t stop from that point on. Mile 12 came up and I was like “HOLY SHIT! I’M GONNA MAKE IT!!!” One of my power songs just happened to come on around then and I put forth about 90% of what ever it was I had left in the tank. I maintained this for about half a mile and then figured I’d ease back to about 75% of my full energy so that I could at the very least be jogging across the finish line.
That last mile was golden. I saw the finish line and there wasn’t a damn thing in the world that was going to stop me. I got within about 200/300 yards of the finish line and the guy that I had been trading places with was ahead of me. I thought “I’ve got nothing to lose, let’s put it all out there.” At that moment I put in everything I had and gunned it. I felt a burst of energy that I hadn’t had the whole race. I passed that guy and crossed the finish line actually running. I had done it. I had not only finished a half marathon, but I had RUN across the finish line!
They gave me my medal and I made my way to the refreshment stand and got some food. I sat there in the grass tears of joy and sadness were flowing. I had just accomplished something I never thought was possible, and I had no one to share it with. I looked around at all the Kodak moments taking place. The hugs, the hand shakes, the pats on the back, and was wondering where mine was at. It was on a boat or 2hrs away or maybe still asleep in the bed. It was watching the kids or out with it’s other friends or at work. It wasn’t there and it made that moment hurt. As great as I felt, I also felt empty. My body was ravaged from the run and now my brain was being torn by the feelings and emotions that were running through it. I did it! But what for? For me! But why? Did it matter? Yes! But did it really? All this was just going on in my brain.
I knew that if I didn’t move I would be there for quite some time. So I started in on my stretches and after about 20/30 mins I figured it was time to check out the free massage tent. I waited in line for about 40 mins, got my massage then hit the road. I was super ultra hungry and figured a Quarter Pounder with cheese and fries would help the hunger go away. It did and I felt better. Once I got home I did some more stretching and just kinda sat there wondering what to do. After mustering up the strength to shower I sat there some more. The more I sat there the worse I felt. I was just overcome with depression. It was beautiful outside but I hated it. I felt completely and totally worthless. I felt like a child lost in a department store. All the fun stuff in the world, but I just wanted someone to hold my hand. It was pathetic…I know.
I know this is getting long, but I really want to capture the full mental journey I went though this weekend. Continue reading here.
Lately (really just this week) there have been some ups and some downs. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I’m good to go, the next I’m Mr. Furious. Again, I’ve lost some more friends, but in actuality, they’ve lost me as a friend. That’s their choice, I won’t do anything to try and change it. To help with that, I’ve eliminated my view into their world, and hopefully, they have done the same. This should eliminate any additional drama. Something that I don’t need today and I certainly don’t need tomorrow.
What’s tomorrow? Well, at 8am tomorrow morning, I will depart on a 13.1 mile run. I will be running my first half marathon. I’ve been training for the past few months for it and feel that I am finally ready. I’ve pushed my body to the limits (well, not really, but close). I’ve tried new things, lost weight, gained weight, and all this so that I can torture my body for 2.5hrs tomorrow. I can’t tell you how excited I am.
However, at the same time, I’m not excited. There are two things that are preventing this from being the most awesome thing I’ve done in ages. First off, when it’s over it’s over. I will have to go back to just running for the purpose or running. Right? I don’t have another half coming up any time soon. And it’s kinda like your birthday or Christmas. There is so much prep and build up and when it finally gets here it’s the greatest thing ever, but the next day you have a low moment because its gone. That’s not something I’m looking forward to, but I think I’ll gladly take a few days of downness for a moment of utter elation. The other thing that’s bugging me a bit is that I won’t have anyone there to celebrate with. When I cross that finish line I will have myself and that’s about it. There will be dozens of people around, but I won’t know anyone. No banners, no hugs, nothing. It’s like celebrating your birthday alone. It would have loved to be able to share that moment with someone, but that’s not going to happen.
I just want someone there. But I reckon at the way that I’m dropping friends that margin for success is dwindling. It’s just been a depressing last few days. Compounded by the fact that pretty much no matter what I do, I’m going to lose money when/if I ever sell my house; I’m just ready for this week to be over.
Ok, back to getting ready for work. This kinda drug out a bit longer than I thought it would. But that’s usually how it goes right?
Yeah, sounds kinda like a bad idea, but it was actually a great experience. I’ve done it before, but it wasn’t the same as yesterday. Yesterday was different, for one, I went further than I did the previous time, and for two it was actually snowing and not just a day after it snowed or something.
So typically when you go running you see other people, it’s bright and cheery and there’s this sense that despite the fact that you are running by yourself, you aren’t really alone. Yesterday’s run was the opposite. There was no one else around. On the back trail, it was just me, the trail, and the snow. That was it. I really did feel at peace. It sucked in a sense that my shoes and gloves quickly became water logged, but at the same time I didn’t care. Eventually, one of my less up-beat songs came on and I got to thinking about a few things and people that I’ve had in my life over the past few months.
Two people on a journey heading to an unknown destination. There were talks of where it would end up, there were many nights spent pondering what it would be like “if”. But never would I have imagined that our journey would’ve taken us to where we are today. As I ran alone, in the snow, I looked back over the past few months and thought about how I don’t regret anything that I’ve done or said. She and I certainly aren’t in a place where we said we would be, but I feel that we are in a better place for each other.
Jess is an amazing person. She has quickly become a fantastic friend and someone who I draw inspiration from. I look at the journey she’s taken and see that she is strong, independent and really deep down a great person. In my opnion, she’s not had the greatest support group, but she’s done great. I really do admire her and am greatful to have a friend like her.
So how did running in the snow get to a story about Jess and I on a journey? Well when I first went running it was just me and my footsteps, but eventually when things got really nasty and I couldn’t feel my toes, I noticed that there was at least 1 other set of foot steps. Someone else had this idea to get out in this mess and go on a journey as well. How long ago had they been there? Were they experiencing the same anguish that I was with the wet feet and frozen hands? Who knows, but I soon realized that on this journey of pleasure and pain, I wasn’t alone.
So as it turns out Jess and I are both on a journey. She is starting a new life with new experiences and a whole new perspective on things. Me, I’ve got to a point where I am really happy. I have a firm grasp on where I am and where I am going. She’s helped me through somethings, and I like to believe that I have helped her through some things. I will always value her as a friend, no matter what. People may hate on me and despise me for the things that have transpired of the past few months, but that’s on them, that’s not a burden for me to carry.
So despite the numbness and the fact that I didn’t get in my full run, it was a great run. A journey that helped me see again, more clearly where I’m at, but most importantly, where I’m going. I’m not alone. She’s not alone. And when it comes down to it, none of us really are.
I just have a lot going on right now that I need to keep to me. Stuff about my life that I’m keeping inside until the right moment.
Stuff that I can let out: I’ve run every day this week with the exception of today. Today I shot 4 different pistols at a ton of different target. I shoot gunz! I am training for a half marathon that is to take place next Saturday at Berry College and in my training schedule I decided to run the 7 miles from my house to my parents house in the dark. If you know the route, you will know that there is little to no side walk for 95% of the journey, it is on a main road, I was running into traffic, and the last 300ish yards are all up hill. It sucked ass, but I did it with out stopping. My friend Jenny took me to boot camp on Wednesday of this week and it felt fantastic. I feel in better shape than I’ve felt in the past few years.
I’m working on selling the house and I will be using the next week to re-paint all the rooms in the house. I need new paint here, the old paint…yeah. So new paint it is. I got a new front door and as soon as I get around to getting the pictures off my camera I will post those. I’ve been told by at least 2 people to paint it read, so I think I’m gonna do that. Next up is to replace the busted ass counter top in the bathroom along wiht the bjakety shower that looks like garbage. With that and the new door, plus the paint the house should really only be on the market for 2-3 more years. I got this shit!
Speaking of getting this shit, I got a new Nikon SB-600 speed light (flash) for my Nikon D50. It’s made a world of difference in the photography. If you are on FaceBook and are someone that looks at my pictures you will see that I have some of the Aquarium from last week. I had the flash then and got some good photos. I didn’t put all the photos I got up, and I was still learning the ropes, but I’d say they turned out pretty good. Some were better than others, but what ever.
Other than that, I still have a job. It’s going decently. I am swamped with all sorts of mess but it’s good to be busy. I have my up days and my down days, but it’s something right?
So that’s where things are at. Running, working, picture taking, house fixing, other stuffing. Look for more updates soon, and hopefully I can actually sit down and write some of the recipes I’ve come up with recently (most recently was the peanut butter cupcake with bananna chocolate frost). I’ll get back in this routine one day, until then I’ll just write when I feel the urge…like tonight.
Well, it was no where near that intense, but it was still pretty hard core for my level.
So I’ve been running a lot lately and am getting ready to run the Berry half-marathon in March and am doing what ever I can to get ready for it. I’ve got pretty good on my flat runs but that can only get you so far (pun intented). I need to work on my over all stamina and leg strength. Now I don’t like to go to the gym and certainly am not going to buy any equipment for the house. So I look towards my brother.
Back in the day Jason wasn’t much in the way of an athelete. He then started cycling. He was/is pretty hard core at it and I’ve always admired that. He’ll push and push and push and I just look at that as inspiration. Here lately he’s been doing a lot of running. This appealed to me even more since I’ve been into running for about a year or so. Well up near where they live there is a trail, Homestead Trail. It’s about 5.5 miles through the woods around Lake Allatoona. Its extremely hilly and there’s a like an 8% grade at the end for roughly 200 yards. If you’ve never run hills, this is a beast. But as with every challenge, I didn’t back down. I took it on and I have to tell ya, it felt amazing. I needed something like that to get me outta the funk that I was in. I used muscles in my legs that don’t get work on the flats. I will be going back on Saturday morning for another stab at it.
I’d like to be able to do the whole thing in 45/50 mins. It took about an hour the first time. According to Jason, the energy effort used in this run is about like running 8.5 miles flat. So that’s good. If I can get 5.5 miles out in 50ish mins then 9 miles on a flat surface should be cake. I’ve got a month to get ready for the half, and at the rate I’m going I should be well prepared by then.
In addition to all the running I’ve been doing some resistance training at the house. Basic weight lifting and stuff. I’m to the point now where I’ll do my pushups with my feet elevated above my head. This adds a lot more resistance and gets the burn on a lot quicker. About 30 of these plus other stuff really gets a good work out in. So far I’ve dropped about 11lbs this year and have gone down nearly 2 pants sizes. It is a lot of hard work, but I can see and feel the results.
Just over a year ago I started running. This was my first recorded run:
Today, I decided to go for a run and since I was just under 7 miles from my 200 mile mark, I decided to push through any mental/physical barrier I was feeling. This was the result:
Today, I ran my 200th mile! I can say, that by the end of the run I was in tears. I was hurting like a mug, but it felt fantastical at the same time. My legs were numb and I was freezing cold, but I did it. Yeah, it’s not a half marathon or any huge feat of streghth, but this is a personal best for me. This is one of many personal bests in recent times. Fastest mile, fastes 10k, fastest 5k, etc. It just feels great to finally be able to see the results of the hard work. I plan on stepping it up and putting in some more time on the road, but for today, I am proud of myself.
I did what I set out to do and there was no force that was going to stop me. It’ll prolly take a day or so to get my joints and muscles back to 100%, but it was totally worth it. I want this feeling al the time. And the beautiful thing…I did it all for me. This run wasn’t for anyone else. I had a few along the way that I ran with someone else in mind or with an ulterior motive, and those never really gave any real satisfaction. Today, it was about me. Tomorrow, it’s back to the road to see what my body and mind and get me through again.
And here’s my little running guy to help celebrate:
OMG! I finally broke a 10 minute mile! That’s HUGE for me. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do that. Like ever. This is literally the first time (at least that I have any memory of) that I’ve been able to run a mile in under 10 minutes. And to think I ran 2 more mile after that.
yeah i’ve seen it before but i had to post it again. it made maggie the happy so it was worth a post. tonight was one of the best the best night ever. i made some pretty damn good steaks, maggs was on the taters and then it was off to watch colbert and colbert and colbert and bones. we watched all that and then it was washington….12 foot forty weight a motherfuckin’ ton!
bones was back and was fantastic. i like the diachotomy of the bones boot sweet trio. sweets has a cute girlfriend and i’m sure w’ll see her again. other than that, dude from felicity and dude from LOST was there. omg can lost be any more very wehre? that’s not really possible, but it still rocks my rocks off. and i’m happy that bones is back it’ll be back next week and that’s cool cause it’s a good show.
so yeah. this week i am going to lose 5lbs. that’s right 20 stories tall made of ammunition! come next monday morning i will be at least 5 el bee ess leighter than i am now. i’m not like uber fat-so now, but i’m goingt to be much (much =5) less than that. i’m aslo training to run a steady comfortable 10k. that’s 10 k’s not just 1. i could run a good 4 or 5 now, but 10 is more than double less than half the lowest k i could run. and that’s my goal. to run the full 10 of them.
so yeah. on moneyday i’ll be there…but the 10k comfortable pace will be in 12 weeks, at least according to nike+. not nike-, nike+ it’s like MORE! like 90 days tall saving the grave nation! ok, well i think i’m outtie 9000 at 10:01 pm onm a monday. maggie’s typing away over there at something. i’m over here trying to type faster and not sound so drunk, but we all know that’s not realy happening. jon (lee) this one’s for you!
bears beware! oh, and do not ask me to do anything this weekend, i have plans.
