So I have to say that this past weekend was exactly as it should be. Well, there are a few things I would have changed, but for the most part it was every thing that I could have imagined that a 30th birthday weekend cabin trip could’ve been.
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Today, I turn 30. Did I accomplish everything I set out to in the past year? Nah, not really. Instead, I accomplished WAY more than I ever thought I could. I went through a divorce, fell in love, fell out of love, then found love. I had many adventures, met a ton of new friends and lived more than I had in the previous 28 years. My 30th birthday doesn’t mean that I’m going to be needing a walker any time soon. I’m not going to keel over and die, simply because it’s 12:03 and I’m 30 years old. I will mark this as the day I start to live more.
To celebrate me turning 3o, Jess and Chase sang me a song:
It was perfect! I couldn’t have thought of a better way to spend the last evening of being 29. So here’s to all the friends of mine that are already 30 and here’s to the one’s that’ll be 30 before they know it. Thirty’s just a number, a number I’m proud to associate with.
It’s been a few months since I last wrote anything here. In all honesty I’ve had a lot going on and finding the time to sit and write, just didn’t come easy.
So here’s a quick rundown of what all I’ve had going on. Since my last real post, I’ve sold my house, I’ve got a new job, I’ve ended a relationship (one that many of my friends had no idea I was even in), and I’ve been to my first pro football game.
Let’s try this again…
Friday: Saw Star Trek with Meghann and Brad. It was amazing. I really like the story and coming from a non-Trekkie I really enjoyed it. They threw in enough one-liners that if you’ve ever seen an episode of Star Trek or any of the movies you could follow along. All around it was a pretty good movie. Friday night I got a text from a friend reminding me of something I had kinda started to lose sight of. It could not have come at a better time.
Saturday: Went working out with my trainer Joey and my sister’s best friend Jo, This was the first time I had been to the gym and had a trainer and I have to tell ya, it was worth it. It was one of the better work outs I’ve had and I can’t wait to get back to the gym. The rest of the day was fairly good. Just some laying around and cleaning. There was talks of going to the drive in to see Star Trek and I figured what the heck. So off I went and after getting there I realized I should’ve brought a chair. I brought my cooler of beer, but everyone else hand their camping chairs and food and all kinds of stuff. Luckily there was plenty of food to go around and I got my eat on. Since I had already seen Trek I decided to take a little nap in the bed of one of the trucks. I watched a good deal of the movie, but for the most part I laid there watching the shooting/falling stars and enjoying just being outside. After the movie, I headed home and called it a night.
Sunday: Mother’s Day rolls around and it was up to me to cook the lunch. I kinda misjudged how long it would take and ended up being late. It was a great lunch and it was good to get to hang out with the family. We ate and chatted and just had a good time. Heather and Jason are going to be such great parents. I’m super excited for them and am looking forward to even more babies in the family. One of these days I’ll start a family and have one of my own, but until then I’ll enjoy the endless supply that seems to be popping out everywhere. After lunch it was a pretty lazy afternoon. Around 7 I got a call from a friend who needed some help with a few things. Me, being me, I rushed over and helped out. After that we hung out and watched TV for a while then I headed home. It was good to have a quiet night watching TV with someone, something I don’t get to do that often. Back home and into the bed.
So that was it. Just an all around good weekend. Sometimes when you least expect it you get a surprise from someone. It brightens your day and reminds you that there are people out there that care. Living alone these past few months has been pretty rough and I really do appreciate the little things.
A lot went on this weekend. Beginning with Friday I was given a welcome reminder of something that I had not heard in a long time. My spirits were lifted. Saturday brought my first session with a personal trainer. I was surprised at myself and am now eager to get back in the gym and finish what I’ve started. To be honest, Saturday night didn’t go the way I wanted it to, but that’s ok. It’s only one night out of countless others. Sunday, Mother’s Day rolls around and despite my best efforts I was late getting to lunch. It was one that I prepared and everyone had to wait on me. I was late because I went for a run. It wasn’t my best run, but I went. The lunch was amazing and consisted of Rib Roast with horseradish and bacon crust, roasted red potatoes, stir fry green beans, and roasted corn on the cob. Sunday afternoon was spent on the couch. Sunday evening I got an unexpected and again, welcome request to help out. Me, being me, I swooped into action and accomplished what needed to be done. I then offered to a helping hand at other things and happiness was had all around. However, against my better judgment, I crossed a line. It was ok because on the other side was what needed to be there and though I left disappointed in myself, all was forgiven. Back at home, I feel a bit relieved but at the same time, my hands bring back thoughts of tonight.
I said what I needed to say and the words reached their intended recipient. No one got hurt but myself, but that was more of a self inflicted wound. One that I will recover from tomorrow.
I do also want to say that I am glad to be a friend of Jessica Canning. She inspires and I am grateful to have her in my life. I am proud of her and I admire the strength she possesses. Against everything, she has done what she needed to do, for her and for Chase, not for anyone else. Thank you Jess for letting me be a part of your life.
Yet so little desire to put it all down. I have a big update post in the works, but I want to at least go ahead and throw out a congrats to Sean and Valerie on their new baby as well as Rick and Lacy on their marriage! Our circle of friends is growing up fast. I forsee many changes this year in this group. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see where life takes us.
I do want to add that over the past week there has been a huge change in my life. In addition to the offer that I finally got on the house, indicating forward momentum and growth and excitement, there have been a few things that are now gone from my life. In the end, it is for the better. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting a bit in the mean time.
So be on the look out for some updates. I’ve got more info on the house selling, me losing about 10+ lbs and being down to my lowest weight since before the marriage and nearly getting to my lowest weight since before highschool. I want to share a bit about my vacation last week, running, impending surgery, compression socks, and many other things. I’ve let this blog/journal lay dormant for too long and I really do need to start writing again. Just this small amount has been uplifting. I kinda feel like I could write all night. But I won’t.
Put behind one of those “more” things due to it’s length, not the language!
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I gots my medal!
That was the last thought that went through my head before the start of the race. I closed my eyes, and just listed to all the people around and thought “I am a runner.” Then the gun went off and away we went.
I had spent the past few weeks getting ready for that moment and it had finally come. It was not an easy road to get there, but it was one that I am thankful for. If it had been easy to get to this place in my life then I would’ve learned nothing. Running (or briskly jogging in this case) is something you have to keep working at. There were times when I would hurt my knee and take like 2 weeks off. In cases like that it would take 3 weeks to get back to where I was. You have to be running every day in order to run every day.
So the day had come, I was at the point where I could do no more to prepare. All the stretching had been done, all the carbs had been loaded. Water and gels were in hand. I had done it all. I really can’t think of anything that I had prepared for more in my life (at least not by my self). Was I ready to run 13.1 miles?! The longest I had ever run before this moment was 8 miles. 8 miles put the hurting on me for a few days, but this was 5.1 more miles. In my mind, I felt like I could run a million, so what more did I need. I was ready.
The gun went off and away we went. The first mile or so it was pretty tightly packed. There were people still trying to find their pace and the chill in the air was still there. I got my pace down; made sure the iPod was tracking and just ran. I made sure that I wasn’t pushing hard, at least not yet. Around mile 3 I had to pee. I knew there were 3 stops along the way but didn’t want to lose time. Should I just go in the woods? Should I try and hold it? No way could I hold it. All I could think about was peeing and it was affecting my time and my pace. So about mile 5 was the first stop. A lowly porta potty with a line of about 4 women. No worries. I pulled off and waited and stretched while I was there. My main disappointment was that the group of people that I was running with was going to pass me and I would fall back. It was ok, I wasn’t running for first. So I peed and got back out there.
The next few miles were ok. Around mile 6 the trail went from pavement to dirt and/or gravel. We were now running through the woods, uphill. There were people coming in the opposite direction, so that had to mean at some point we’d be coming back down. Sure enough, at the top of this hill about .5 miles in was the turn around point. Now running back down the trail, but this time it took a different path and it was more dirt and rocks and roots. I’ve only had one other experience with running “off road” and it was a bit hard on the joints. Never the less, I pushed through. We made it around to a lake where there was a VERY steep decline. Something Kit told me ages ago resonated in my brain, “let the hill and gravity do all the work.” So did and made it down the hill with out having to use much energy. By this time my legs and feet were starting to hurt a bit. My lungs and heart were in excellent condition but the joints were not. Also, my brain was totally in it. No mental hang-ups or anything. I had gone over half way and was only slightly hurting.
Mile 8 was when things started to get rough. I remember the moment though. I saw the sign that said mile 8 and when I passed it the first thought in my head was “ever step from this point on is the furthest I’ve ever gone, don’t stop now.” So I kept on running. Mile 9 was ok, but the scenery got boring. We were now on a back trail that was about 2.5 miles long and there was nothing on either side. It was overcast; there was about 100 yards of grass then trees. Nothing in front of you and I sure as hell wasn’t looking behind me. So I put my head down, and just kept telling my feet to keep it up. By this time it was well established that I was either going to pass or be passed by a few people. We traded off who was in front several times along the way. They (a guy in his 40’s and two women) would jog up and then start walking, I would jog past them at my steady pace, and they would then pick up the pace and pass me. This went on for several miles. I kept thinking, am I the tortoise or hare in this situation. Either way it made for something somewhat entertaining along the way.
At roughly 200 yards before the 11 mile marker I was like I have got to walk for just a bit. So I walked about 200 yards and then thought to myself “I didn’t come all this way and put myself through this much pain to walk a half marathon.” So I started running again. Lesson learned there. Don’t stop once you are going. That’s the hard part. But I pushed through it and didn’t stop from that point on. Mile 12 came up and I was like “HOLY SHIT! I’M GONNA MAKE IT!!!” One of my power songs just happened to come on around then and I put forth about 90% of what ever it was I had left in the tank. I maintained this for about half a mile and then figured I’d ease back to about 75% of my full energy so that I could at the very least be jogging across the finish line.
That last mile was golden. I saw the finish line and there wasn’t a damn thing in the world that was going to stop me. I got within about 200/300 yards of the finish line and the guy that I had been trading places with was ahead of me. I thought “I’ve got nothing to lose, let’s put it all out there.” At that moment I put in everything I had and gunned it. I felt a burst of energy that I hadn’t had the whole race. I passed that guy and crossed the finish line actually running. I had done it. I had not only finished a half marathon, but I had RUN across the finish line!
They gave me my medal and I made my way to the refreshment stand and got some food. I sat there in the grass tears of joy and sadness were flowing. I had just accomplished something I never thought was possible, and I had no one to share it with. I looked around at all the Kodak moments taking place. The hugs, the hand shakes, the pats on the back, and was wondering where mine was at. It was on a boat or 2hrs away or maybe still asleep in the bed. It was watching the kids or out with it’s other friends or at work. It wasn’t there and it made that moment hurt. As great as I felt, I also felt empty. My body was ravaged from the run and now my brain was being torn by the feelings and emotions that were running through it. I did it! But what for? For me! But why? Did it matter? Yes! But did it really? All this was just going on in my brain.
I knew that if I didn’t move I would be there for quite some time. So I started in on my stretches and after about 20/30 mins I figured it was time to check out the free massage tent. I waited in line for about 40 mins, got my massage then hit the road. I was super ultra hungry and figured a Quarter Pounder with cheese and fries would help the hunger go away. It did and I felt better. Once I got home I did some more stretching and just kinda sat there wondering what to do. After mustering up the strength to shower I sat there some more. The more I sat there the worse I felt. I was just overcome with depression. It was beautiful outside but I hated it. I felt completely and totally worthless. I felt like a child lost in a department store. All the fun stuff in the world, but I just wanted someone to hold my hand. It was pathetic…I know.
I know this is getting long, but I really want to capture the full mental journey I went though this weekend. Continue reading here.
Lately (really just this week) there have been some ups and some downs. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I’m good to go, the next I’m Mr. Furious. Again, I’ve lost some more friends, but in actuality, they’ve lost me as a friend. That’s their choice, I won’t do anything to try and change it. To help with that, I’ve eliminated my view into their world, and hopefully, they have done the same. This should eliminate any additional drama. Something that I don’t need today and I certainly don’t need tomorrow.
What’s tomorrow? Well, at 8am tomorrow morning, I will depart on a 13.1 mile run. I will be running my first half marathon. I’ve been training for the past few months for it and feel that I am finally ready. I’ve pushed my body to the limits (well, not really, but close). I’ve tried new things, lost weight, gained weight, and all this so that I can torture my body for 2.5hrs tomorrow. I can’t tell you how excited I am.
However, at the same time, I’m not excited. There are two things that are preventing this from being the most awesome thing I’ve done in ages. First off, when it’s over it’s over. I will have to go back to just running for the purpose or running. Right? I don’t have another half coming up any time soon. And it’s kinda like your birthday or Christmas. There is so much prep and build up and when it finally gets here it’s the greatest thing ever, but the next day you have a low moment because its gone. That’s not something I’m looking forward to, but I think I’ll gladly take a few days of downness for a moment of utter elation. The other thing that’s bugging me a bit is that I won’t have anyone there to celebrate with. When I cross that finish line I will have myself and that’s about it. There will be dozens of people around, but I won’t know anyone. No banners, no hugs, nothing. It’s like celebrating your birthday alone. It would have loved to be able to share that moment with someone, but that’s not going to happen.
I just want someone there. But I reckon at the way that I’m dropping friends that margin for success is dwindling. It’s just been a depressing last few days. Compounded by the fact that pretty much no matter what I do, I’m going to lose money when/if I ever sell my house; I’m just ready for this week to be over.
Ok, back to getting ready for work. This kinda drug out a bit longer than I thought it would. But that’s usually how it goes right?
After my run in the snow.
Yeah, sounds kinda like a bad idea, but it was actually a great experience. I’ve done it before, but it wasn’t the same as yesterday. Yesterday was different, for one, I went further than I did the previous time, and for two it was actually snowing and not just a day after it snowed or something.
So typically when you go running you see other people, it’s bright and cheery and there’s this sense that despite the fact that you are running by yourself, you aren’t really alone. Yesterday’s run was the opposite. There was no one else around. On the back trail, it was just me, the trail, and the snow. That was it. I really did feel at peace. It sucked in a sense that my shoes and gloves quickly became water logged, but at the same time I didn’t care. Eventually, one of my less up-beat songs came on and I got to thinking about a few things and people that I’ve had in my life over the past few months.
Two people on a journey heading to an unknown destination. There were talks of where it would end up, there were many nights spent pondering what it would be like “if”. But never would I have imagined that our journey would’ve taken us to where we are today. As I ran alone, in the snow, I looked back over the past few months and thought about how I don’t regret anything that I’ve done or said. She and I certainly aren’t in a place where we said we would be, but I feel that we are in a better place for each other.
Jess is an amazing person. She has quickly become a fantastic friend and someone who I draw inspiration from. I look at the journey she’s taken and see that she is strong, independent and really deep down a great person. In my opnion, she’s not had the greatest support group, but she’s done great. I really do admire her and am greatful to have a friend like her.
So how did running in the snow get to a story about Jess and I on a journey? Well when I first went running it was just me and my footsteps, but eventually when things got really nasty and I couldn’t feel my toes, I noticed that there was at least 1 other set of foot steps. Someone else had this idea to get out in this mess and go on a journey as well. How long ago had they been there? Were they experiencing the same anguish that I was with the wet feet and frozen hands? Who knows, but I soon realized that on this journey of pleasure and pain, I wasn’t alone.
So as it turns out Jess and I are both on a journey. She is starting a new life with new experiences and a whole new perspective on things. Me, I’ve got to a point where I am really happy. I have a firm grasp on where I am and where I am going. She’s helped me through somethings, and I like to believe that I have helped her through some things. I will always value her as a friend, no matter what. People may hate on me and despise me for the things that have transpired of the past few months, but that’s on them, that’s not a burden for me to carry.
So despite the numbness and the fact that I didn’t get in my full run, it was a great run. A journey that helped me see again, more clearly where I’m at, but most importantly, where I’m going. I’m not alone. She’s not alone. And when it comes down to it, none of us really are.